THE BLOG DREAM

I just read through my last post - 2022, a little more than a year ago, and it's interesting how true it is that hindsight is 20/20.

My perspective on my career path has evolved. I'm still with the same company and they still claim to be growing, but unfortunately I was caught between the old-company and new, and while the new company is growing, that doesn't mean the growth opportunity is mine for the taking. I was actually offered a great promotion, just a couple months after my last post. I took a little initiative under that opportunity and was quickly made aware that the opportunity was a joke at my expense.

The beauty that evolved in that season was God shaping me. I recognized how my whole life has been shaped by culture and expectations - and you've all heard it...

"I am woman, hear me roar."

"Women can do exactly what men do."

"I can be anything I want to be."

In the past I can actually pinpoint the couple professional moments where similar hardships affected my career path and I would leave and move on. I have not historically stayed. I value these decisions because I recognize how strong I was and am for it. I didn't deserve to be treated x-way, and so I took my value elsewhere. But this time was different. This time I had allegiance to the other people I worked with, a loyalty from my days with the old-company. So I elected to stay for 3-4 months - I would train up my replacement, and maybe since time heals all wounds, that time would heal this wound too.

There were glimpses of hope, and then with the new year it became more than apparent that my promotion was the joke I knew it to be all along. The company was growing, people would be added; but the growth opportunities for its employees were non-existent. The leadership roles were already full, and any growth would simply be lateral - growth may come by expanding my expertise a bit, but lateral just the same.

At least one of the lateral moves allowed me to change departments, and with it change supervisors. But the change still humbled me in ways I was still preparing myself to accept.

I would not be a leader; I would be a follower.

This idea hurt my ego. But then in a sermon at church I heard something for the first time, or maybe for the 100th time but it sunk in differently this time: Jesus had followers. His example was rooted in servanthood - washing other's feet, lessons on turning the other cheek. I had this new realization that perhaps, while all my life I thought I had to get my degree to be something, someone... I had to accept the promotions and grow professionally to be valued and prove my worth... I had to keep growing and improving on the hierarchy, in my job title, in my salary all to prove to "someone" that I was someone. That I was a success. That I had achieved greatness in my life... and yet, Jesus is the great one. My eyes are focused upward while my actions were focused here on earth. I realized that the one who calls me His, the one defines me and already says "you are enough" - He wants me to follow. I am whole even when I follow.

And I do believe that in His time, my growth will come - probably not with this company that I've returned to work for these last two years. I poured into the company instead of this blog, instead of my book ideas, instead of the teaching, coaching, and ministry in my heart that, as I read back on my last blog post, I recognize is still very much at the forefront of my heart today.

Last Fall I gave my stepdaughter a book and started opening up with her about her narcissistic family dynamics. I gave her a tool and just our dialogue alone has opened up some beautiful opportunities for growth and nurturing in this season of her life. I think she knows I'm a safe person for her to come to when she deals with these life-effecting challenges, and while her walk with God may be a little distant today than it could be, she still speaks of Jesus in such a way that I know the Holy Spirit is in her. She's living up her college experience, and probably sinning quite a bit along the way (aren't we all?); but I'm hopeful she will find her balance as she matures and God is right there when she's ready to grow closer to Him. He's carrying her in a lot of ways, and she'll look back on the beach footprints to recognize Him in these days... in her own hindsight.

Earlier this week I was writing an email to my LDS family... I've wrote a few over the last year, but this one feels different. I'm hopeful a gentleness came through my words in a way that I'll feel safe to send it on.

And, my husband and I have long wanted to leave Colorado - where to, we can't decide; but with my stepdaughter down to her last two years of college, the opportunity is on the horizon. Perhaps transitioning away from my professional aspirations and pouring more into creative aspirations will open up new doors for me that have, clearly, been brewing in my soul for years just waiting for me to figure out how to execute my passions effectively.

Will my next year be as quiet on this blog as this last year has been... I hope not. But is The Handy Living Mom going to be what it started out as.... I don't think so. It's changing. Something's evolving. Can't wait to see what He has in store for it... for me... for this next season of #Life.