life in a Nutshell

I think I need to write this post to share why The Handy Living Mom website and blog has basically been dormant, as well as how it's evolving.

The concept here is my own personal labor of love. The idea of helping others is rooted in my DNA - ha! But you have to help yourself before you can help others...and that's where I struggle.

My little guy was born end of 2019... this concept was formed and generated in 2020... and here we are in 2022 and my commitment to THLM is, basically, non-existent. Why? Well, in short: #Life

I think I have been going through some different kinds of emotional and psychological transitions in recent years. Maveryk is active (as 3 1/2 year olds are!), our family bought a home and set up roots, Alexyss graduated high school and started college, I returned to a more traditional work roll as the Operations Administrator for the Commercial HVAC company I worked for before maternity leave (just part-time, which is nice!), and - I TURNED 40!! (Holy Moly!!)

From COVID to Culture, from Politics to Religion - life is stressful these days! I want to be able to do it all, and yet there are parts of me that are afraid to really be me - exposed, vulnerable - because if I engaged in all the ways my heart yearns to, frankly, I fear rejection.

I want to be a good counsel to my stepdaughter - who is coming into her own in beautiful ways, adopting her relationship with the Lord independent of her Dad and I, which overjoys my heart... and yet, she's away at college making the choices that college students traditionally engage in, and I can't help but just pray that she doesn't have to completely lose her dreams and goals as an extension of some life-long consequence to her actions.

How do I coach her?! How do I share with her any kind-of wisdom God has blessed me with over the years?! Does she care? Does she hear me - or do my long-winded texts go unread because it's just too much?! How do I ensure I don't miss an opportunity to pour into her?! I want to help her... not by feeding her fish, but by teaching her to fish... what if I missed my opportunity because she was rejecting me in her teen years?! What if the timing just isn't right... hold your tongue, Ashlei... be still.

My 3 1/2 year old is my life... but I fail him every day. Whether I get home from work tired and just cannot contribute to his day effectively, going through the motions of dinner, bath time, bedtime; or whether it's just laziness, the gluttony of iPhones and Netflix binging... I live in a consistent state of guilt.

Then I'm pleasantly reminded of my own mom's words of wisdom shortly after he was born: give yourself grace upon grace! (Amen!!) Sure I fail - every day; but I also do a lot of things right along the way, and I really try to focus on the good and let go of the bad.

Having gone back to work part-time 10 months ago, for a once-upon-a-time dying company that is now growing, there's this new found hope in my career. What can I become?! How can I utilize my education and skillset to thrive professionally, even as a mom?! Does growing professionally mean full-time and pulling back on the mom role, or will I just have to sacrifice sleep, and with it health, in order to - one again - do it all?! When do I know it's too much vs. a passion within me that fills my cup and is worth giving my all to?!

And then this project... The Handy Living Mom... my heart for helping others coming to life. I'm on Pinterest absorbing ideas that I would love to both share and make my own. From crafts with the kids to cooking dinner for my family... but that's just the daily, because then I go to church or read a new book and I feel like the Holy Spirit is pressing upon me a heart to help in a completely different way: writing a book.

I've been mentally writing one book for, easily, the past seven years. It's a book for my stepdaughter - a book about narcissistic blended families. Information that I want her to have before it's too late so that she can learn and grow from her blended family of origin, but, prayerfully, also stop the generational impacts of narcissistic mother-daughter relationships. I'm not a psychologist, but I have invested so much research and have benefitted from so much personal experience that I have something to share on this topic! But who am I to speak on this topic?! What if she rejects what I have to say?! What if I'm wrong?! (Get out of my ear, Satan!!)

The other book that has been brewing in me in recent years, and has really felt like a ministry that I'm being called into, is a mission to win Mormons for Christ. I have LDS extended family, and I feel like my windows of opportunities are closing as life is short and mental capacity even shorter, sometimes... every time I think I have my words worked out, I question whether I'm helping my relationships with people I love so dearly or hurting those relationships under this umbrella that I call "helping". I trust that God is opening these doors with intention for me to take them; but I don't want anyone to end up hurt because of my words, when my intent is so deeply rooted in love, truth, and grace.

So the mental and emotional labor in all of this overwhelms me more often than I'd like to admit, and to the point that it paralyzes me to take any steps forward on any path with any kind-of consistency.

Add my Graves Disease to the mix... #Life.

And when all these aspects of life get mixed together - Baby Dedication and re-examining how I hope to shape my son and his future, or going to a viewing of The Homeschool Awakening with my mom who has her own convictions for me and my son, that have historically mirrored my convictions but convictions that are being redefined as opportunities with my employer evolve - I feel unsure of what next steps to take and so I end up not taking any... at the sacrificing of my own physical and emotional health.

So I'm in a season where I am working on myself. I have stepped away from The Handy Living Mom in my efforts to focus on taking care of myself first so that I have something to give back to others. I am organizing my own priorities and pouring into my personal and professional growth so that I have something to pour back into my kids, my marriage, my family, and hopefully again someday, pour into the ministries and passions that God has created me for... Rest assured, He is ministering to me constantly, and shaping me in such a way that, I pray, will be used for His glory!

Amen!!